Self Portrait 12/08

I almost missed this month… with all the craziness… I almost let it go because I didn’t feel like I looked my best. I’m tired and a bit puffy from all the celebrating. But then I thought about the reason I am doing this exercise. It’s not about looking like a model. It’s about capturing my image… before the moment is gone.

I did something a little crazy this time. I didn’t do hair or makeup. I’m kind of regretting it but still mildly excited about my own personal growth. You have no idea… anyway… here I am:

 

Your turn: Leave a link to your latest picture. Don’t have one? Quick! Take one! Before the moment is gone…

Seven

My littlest girl is seven today.

Her favorite color is Turquoise. She loves carrots… just like she did when she was a baby. Her favorite thing to do is ride bikes with her friends (and sometimes, her mom).

 

She loves to laugh and dance and make up songs. She loves her brother and screams with joy when her big sisters visit. She is her aspiring photographer mother’s favorite model, and her Daddy’s little girl.

Every day, when I delicately comb through her beautiful curls, I’m humbled by God’s kindness in bringing her to me to care for. The ten years before I knew her were not easy. I never thought I would have the chance to be a mom to another baby. She is, in a way, a miracle. And I am always very aware of that.

Happy birthday, Banana. I love you.

NaBloPoMo or NaNoWriMo?

Always up for a challenge… that’s me…

So this month, there are two Get Up and Go challenges happening. The National Blog Post Month and National Novel Writing Month. The first is about posts – one a day for the whole month of November. The second is geared more towards the completion of a novel. I’m not really sure what kind of book you could write in a month… and I’m sure there are nuances to this particular challenge. There *have* to be… Anyone? Well, anyway, I think I might just write a few thousand words a day as a writing exercise, which I had originally intended to do with this blog.

And that leads me to my question and poll:

When I was at BlogHer08 in San Francisco last summer, I met and heard from many women that had started their blogs as a way to get to the book inside of them, either as a writing exercise or a platform builder. I am happy to admit that I fall into that category. But there were also tons of blog writers that do product reviews, travel blogs, and social forums, as well. Each of us had a primary reason for jumping in to the blogoshpere. Like many projects, some have morphed into something that is a glimmer of that first spark. Others have stayed the course, but may be the third, fourth, or fifth project of a blogger.

So what about you? What got you going?

I’m going to attempt a post a day. Maybe in there, I’ll talk about the story in my head and how my month of writing is coming along. Anyone else feeling up to the challenge? Share your links in the comment section so we can all follow along.

FYI: I’m also going to see if I can get NaMoSleMo off the ground. That’s National Month to Sleep More. I made that one up… ;-)

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Technorati Tags: NaBloPoMo,NaWriMo,writing,blogging,polldaddy

Criticism

I showed this picture off yesterday. Although I had many compliments, I had one comment that stuck with me. See the baby's eyes? The reflection of the windows are in her eyes... as well as the dot that was my flash. It's a teeny tiny dot, but it was all I could see once that comment was made. This person later said that she "loved" the photograph, but tends to be very critical in life. She also said that she's very critical of herself.

Two things happened last night. I shut down out of fear of failure. How dare I call myself a photographer?! How dare I think that anyone would care for my rubbish?! And then I had heard enough from the monster in my head and decided that I could edit out the little dot and move one. The other thing that happened was that I felt really sorry for the gal that critiqued me. Not because I yelled at her, because I didn't (in case you were wondering). I realize she was being helpful and she has never been anything but kind and pleasant. But I thought of how quickly she saw that... and I wondered how many of her own incredible images she might have criticized far too harshly.

I took my friends criticisms too personally and later got over it. But I never stopped to think about why this person was critiquing... or what her reasons were for being, what she called, very self critical. Wouldn't it be great if we could all wave a wand and get rid of all of our fears and insecurities. I wonder how many of us are strangled by our own perceived limitations.

This isn't really making any sense... I just wanted to think about this out loud... and I'm still not sure that wand waving would be the best idea...

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Change Sucks

I was all positive sunshiny sweetness here a bit ago with my goody goody change list.

uuuggghhh...

Okay, so I have had some good stuff come from getting my lazy ass up going outside of my comfort zone. Well, here's the update...

Practicing the guitar every day has, in fact been happening. It has, however, collided with my accidental mullet and blasting hot air. Let me 'splain... I tend to have really chatty conversations with my stylist. Apparently, it can be distracting. So the last cut I got, she kinda did something funky. I had to go back to her so that she could make it less triangle-y. But she left the back with zero texture and the front/sides all poofy. The lack of poofyossity in back necessitates *ahem* a few passes with a large round brush and blow dryer to give it the same volume that my too short front hair is taking full advantage of. And because my guitar practice has worn off the skin on the pads of my finger tips, blowing hot air on the raw skin has proven to be, well... mmm... ouch!

I'm keeping my mouth SHUT during my next cut.

Some challenges... Tuesday Park Day is now going to be on Thursday. We've been getting so much accomplished on Mondays that it seems silly to halt the momentum. Plus, there has been no surfing happening over the last few weeks. If I haven't been getting ready for homeschool or tracking down packages at our old house, I've been shaking with chills from random illnesses and the cold air blowing through our townhome. The cold air is blowing because The Pilot has been around a lot these days. He and his cute little offspring seem to have their internal temps set about ten degrees higher than mine. So while they are wearing shorts and t-shirts, I'm walking around the house with a blankie. Anyway, I'm starting to feel a lot better and hope to paddle out soon.

Shooting (a camera, Suzy... not a moose...) something every day has actually been a lot more difficult to keep on top of than I thought. I missed Day 13 of my 365 Day Project and have yet to upload the last six days. Too much Twitter, I guess. I'm not going to give up. First because I made a commitment. Second because I want to look back on a mosaic of my year. I've taken a couple of lame shots. I need to make this project more of a priority. It's kind of hard because we had some hiccups in our group... get chicks together and there's always a wee bit of drama... but that has all been successfully resolved by our administrator, Sarah. And it's all good.

So quit whining then, right?

The best part of the change list was throwing stuff away. That has been such a release. The only thing is that when you start, you just can't stop. I started digging through other nicely stacked boxes to see what else could be thrown away. Now, my basement-like garage/play room looks all chaotic all over again. I shouldn't have opened any more boxes, but hey... eventually, I'll be done, right?

So now for some more changes:

Lose the infamous Last Ten Pounds. Now that The Pilot and I are seeing each other more, there's a lot more eating. Like, a LOT more. Plus it's football season which means wings and fried cheese in front of me saying, but you look good fat... uugghh... so I'm returning to my Points counting. This time, not only do I get to return to my goal weight and maintain my health, I'm also doing some good. It's the Lose For Good campaign. Check out the button on the side... I'll do some updates on the weight loss, but any of your stories on your own weight loss would be highly motivating for me and others.

Maintain (read: USE) Personal Calendar. Twice last week I got called to reschedule appointments that I forgot about, once with someone I couldn't even remember. I returned the call and bluffed my way through it all until I could remember who the heck she was and why she was so stressed out for running late. I was like, "Oh, don't worry about it. Why don't we reschedule... I'm easy." How sweet of me, she cooed. Yes. Yes. That's me. Sweet Sugar.

Yeah... I'm thinking it's time to tame that paper tiger...

Well, that's about all I can type. My fingertips are screaming for some Lanolin... I'd love to hear some good reports on any changes that might be happening out there. Or even some struggles.

Changing sucks... but the results are still worth it. Except for the mullets.

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Envisage 365

I recently started a new project. I mentioned it earlier... that I would be taking a picture a day for 365 days. In order to never miss a shot, I've been carrying my camera everywhere. Considering all the other stuff I have to lug around in my bag with two little ones in tow, it was a bit of an adjustment.

A couple of days ago, I was incredibly thankful that I had my camera with me.

I almost caused an accident making a u-turn. I ducked in to multiple driveways to get a snapshot without being caught, but they were so fast! She was chatting about whatever girls chat about. He was smiling and happy to have his girlfriend with him. They looked like totally in love and I just wanted to capture that. But they were too fast for me. I finally just drove up alongside them and told them I needed to take a picture of something beautiful. I wasn't sure how they would react. I was afraid they might tell me to go bug off. But they didn't.

They just smiled...



I was having a teary day anyway. I was feeling sad about my daughter. I really needed to see something like this... to remind me about unconditional love... to see kindness, love, beauty... The babies were in the back seat. "Mommy, why are you crying?" I couldn't answer. I just wanted to let my mind feel the love I had just experienced.

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Make Change Happen

Make Change Happen...

That has been the message that I have received loud and clear from all corners of the Universe and from right under my nose. Make change happen. MAKE it happen. Not, hang on a little bit, something's coming, looks like a little change... Nope. The message has been MAKE change happen. Not Make Change, like can you give me four quarters for this dollar because I just saw Ms. Pac Man and dammit if I'm not a wiz on that game, and could you watch my kids 'cause I'm probably gonna be on that thing for a while. Nuh-uh. Make change HAPPEN. Not Happenstance. Happen.

That means it's up to me.

Damn.

Not that I couldn't do it alone, but wouldn't it be fun to Make Change Happen with a little help from my friends? And by that I don't mean for you to cheer me on, though I must say, your cheers have been the wind in my sails for the last several months. What I'd really love to see is a whole bunch of change. A whole bunch of people shedding fears or over-committed calendars or dream stealers. I'd love to see a whole bunch of people changing something. I don't mean like returning your calls that day instead of waiting a week. I mean like setting up a regular dinner night with friends you never see. Or picking up an instrument you always wanted to try. Or defying an old myth of not being good at baking.

I think I just gave away my list.

Damn.

So these are sort of promises that I'm making to myself. Nothing huge. I'm tackling the huge things one day at a time. But the little things... those little things that nag at me reminding me that I too easily break promises to myself. I don't like that feeling. That feeling is the crack in the foundation of all the larger changes. And it's these little changes that will bring more joy into my world. Here are my first five:

#1: Practice the guitar every day. Even twenty minutes. I love the little I've learned. Why not keep going? It's sitting right there in the corner. Go on, Shoog... pick at it!

#2: Shoot something EVERY DAY! I am joining a 365 Project. I'm excited to have this commitment with a larger group. I'm even more excited to make myself find something simple or amazing or amazingly simple every single day for a whole year. Whew... I'm getting butterflies just thinking about it!

#3: Tuesday IS Park/Beach Day. No school. No work. No appointments. The Park or the Beach only. I'm sure this seems like a no brainer, but life gets busy and we forget to give ourselves that bit of time to just enjoy life. And then all of a sudden, we're grumpy... the whole lot of us. Because, you know... if Mama's not happy, nobody's happy! This will also help with the next item on my list.

#4 Surf. I can paddle out pretty far. I could probably paddle to Australia. I can get up on a board in the inside waves. All day. No problem. Between paddling out and the inside waves are the waves you see on TV. That's where real surfing happens. Until I'm in that zone regularly, I can only say that I "swim with a board."

#5: Throw stuff away. I know... we should recycle and not leave a massive footprint. The problem is that most of the stuff I hang on to I have rationalized into being useful, but it really is just trash. I don't know if this is something I picked up from my Depression Era Grandma who kept sugar packets in her purse. I'm pretty sure it was. The other day, I had to throw out salt and pepper packets from my purse. I guess I had them "just in case" I ever came across a restaurant that somehow didn't have S&P at the table. ???

Okay, that's about all for now. There will be more. These are my changes for now. I'm going to start by going to the garage and purging some junk from our lives. YAY!

What about changes elsewhere? What one thing do you want to start doing? Throw it out! Public accountability is the best way to keep a promise to yourself. Trust me!

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Out of Focus

While I was at BlogHer in The City (aka San Francisco), I joined the Photo Walk organized by The Shutter Sisters. I was still a little overwhelmed from the morning's session on Beautiful Blogging and I was starting to get a little tired from trekking back and forth to my sisters apartment looking for my phone. Although I made it in time to grab a lunch, the obsessively efficient banquet staff at the St. Francis had already pulled the sodas. I started to feel pretty woozy and was actually planning to pass out before Rod, the very attentive Banquet Captain ran to get me a couple of Sprites. I guzzled one down, which is usually all I need to stop the ground from moving. He sat with me and made sure that I was okay. I had to get to the lobby for the Photo Walk but was still a little light-headed so he walked me to the elevator. I still had a bag filled with swag and lenses, so I quickly dropped it off with the bellman, took my ticket, and then ran out the front of the hotel searching for my group. Luckily, it's not hard to spot a large group of women with big mama honker cameras around their necks. I ran across the street to start snapping along with them.

And that's when I realized my mistake.

I had completely forgotten to switch to my 28-135 and still had the 70-300. I had to rethink what it was that I wanted to capture (pun intended) in that walk. While I would normally have taken shots of the obvious elements right in front of me, I had to actually do some work to find interesting shots far away. I took pictures of bits and pieces of architecture. I got a shot of a gentleman taking one step at a time without burdening him with my presence. I found crazy little creatures in all kinds of nooks and crannies. I was a little bummed, though, that I would not get to take pictures of the pretty little flowers in a garden that we had come across.

But then I was saved!

At the top of the hill and to the left, we came upon Grace Cathedral. I found some lovely flowers in the planters surrounding the steps up to the church. I did my best to take shots of them with the camera in my hands. Unfortunately, the further back I stepped in order to get the flowers into focus, the further down I got on the steps. I was starting to get frustrated but then thought better of having a tantrum in front of my Shutter Sister heroes. I decided to put the camera on the planter and pull it back to where I thought my intended foliage might come into focus. The results were surprisingly pleasant.

I hope you'll agree... or not... whatever... I don't care... I like 'em!















See... way too close up...


More Pictures over at my Flickr photostream.

Geekin' Out!

I'm not a real geek, I only play one on TV.

Oh MY! Can I just say how extremely excited I am about going up to San Francisco for the BlogHer chick fest in July?! It's like I'm getting ready to go to camp or a spa getaway or an Eagles concert.

I. CAN. NOT. WAIT!

Over at Shutter Sisters where most of my heroes dwell, they've got a neat little event organizing. It's a Photo Walk in the afternoon. Here's the thing... if you've ever been to San Francisco, you know how crowded the sidewalks can get with all the natural foot traffic. Add in a good convention and you've just tripled the density. Imagine hundreds of blogger/photographer/hipster chicks on a stroll through the City. Oh boy. I think what I'm going to do is to find out the route and get ahead just to take pictures of all the hoopla.

There's also a little spiff going on through General Motors to get three to five BlogHers per car to carpool in their new hybrid. So now I am eagerly seeking two more like-minded blogger chicks to get in a car with for six to eight hours (depending on traffic and potty breaks) each way. Can I just say how excited I am just for that? WOW! Two other women like me that I have never met before. I can't wait to burn some CDs and chat about our latest reads or photo techniques or dreams. I am hyperventilating! Get me a paper bag!

My poor Sister and City Girl daughter. I have all but set up my sleeping bag on the kitchen floor. They know I'm coming. I think they are just going to pretend they got the dates wrong and not answer the intercom buzz. (((Open. Open. Open.))) Actually, I hope they come with me. I think they'd have a blast. (Did you hear that guys?)

I know it's only going to be a couple of days and I know I probably won't be able to make it to all of my desired classes as they fill up. I know it's going to put me in a pinch at the end of the month, but this is important to me. And I need to do what I want to do for the good of my heart and psyche. And anyway, if I could just get Dooce's autograph, I would float all the way home. No hybrid needed here!

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Weather

All week, it's been beautiful here... glorious even...

Yesterday afternoon, as I was driving over the hill, I looked out towards the beach to see a thick fog bank covering the coast. It was one of those that just sort of clings to the edge of the world. I knew it could go either way... off shore or right over us. Since today is my big nine-person shoot, it only stands to reason that the precipitation would have just come on shore.

DAMN!

Now I have to watch the sky for the next few hours and see if this crap is going to burn off. If not, we may have to reschedule... to next Saturday... the day that I already have two social functions to choose between. That's what you call a serious codependent conundrum.

Please burn off... please burn off... please burn off...

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My First Camera

When I was nine, there were two things that were more precious to me than anything: my dorkie, rainbow Mork suspenders and my Polaroid. (I had a closet full of Barbies and all the trappings of her glamourous lifestyle, which, as any self respecting BarbiePhile knows, belong in a completely different category)... anyhoo... ignoring the suspenders...

The Polaroid.

It was a gift from my Nana. I was her favorite. Yep... that was my role. And because of that, I got whatever I wanted for my birthdays. I wasn't a selfish or spoiled child. I understood finances and the limitations of ours and Nana's so I never pushed it. (One year, I got Barry Manilow's Even Now, easily less than ten dollars at the time. You could have knocked me over with a feather when I opened my gift! My whole Mexican family, too, for that matter. They weren't quite sure what to think of my fascination with the CopaCabana guy that seemed a little, well, you know...)

The next year, I got the magical box that spat out photos in an instant. WOW! I KNEW I was special 'cause that was WAY over ten dollars! I had to save for the film by doing, I don't know what... selling avocados?? I can't remember. But save I did. As you could only snap ten images per pack, and again, being a family of modest means (read: butt-ass-poor), I made every shot count. I learned to have a steady hand. I learned to make sure the flash was always ready to go. I posed my friends and family to fit inside the little red square. In short, I was training to be a photographer.

My Nana passed away a little less than nine years ago. I don't miss her temper, but I sure do miss being The Favorite. Now I have to say goodbye to another life marker. Although it was announced a couple of months ago, I was in denial about it. Seriously. Don't laugh. I had a really tough time with the headlines: Polaroid will no longer make the instant camera.

A moment of silence... please...

My Nana planted a seed that I am now reaping the rewards of. What was a fun hobby turned into a passion and is now a means of self support. So before there are no more of the precious pop-up insta-magic boxes and any remaining film cartridges that limit my shooting to ten images, I'll be stocking up.

I'm picturing Elaine and the Sponges.


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