Change

This popped up on Twitter today. "change is amazing. change motivates. scares. inspires. forces growth. requires thought. what other concept rules lives so completely?"

Indeed.

I once heard a fashion-minded psychologist say that people who liked wearing stripes enjoyed change. I loved stripes. What girl in the 80s didn't? And when I was a Power Mama, I loved wearing my pin-striped suits. Always felt in charge! I still enjoy a subtle tone-on-tone stripe for fun. But I do not like change.

Well... maybe I do... I don't know... let me think here...

Okay wait... I changed my mind. I do like change. I don't like radical scary change. Like aliens coming down and rearranging my life so that it no longer resembles the one I was dreaming about before waking up. I don't like when good friends move too far away because their husband changes jobs. I don't like when control freaks change the rules by which the rest of us were just playing nicely. Those are jolting changes. Those are uncomfortable and don't inspire anything.

What about the change that motivates us to grow? That can be scary, too.

Late last year, my husband, The Pilot and I separated. It was ugly. But it was good. Now, we are changing again. Not changing back... but hopefully changing for the better. We are slowly reforming our relationship, setting new rules and standards by which we plan to live. That change is also good. There are some old habits that we are both clinging to. That's where we are going to need outside help. Agreeing to the when and how is our current challenge. The fact that it is being discussed shows that we are changing forward... but that we still need to tread lightly...

You know what? Do you want to hear my Dirty Little Secret? The one I think The Pilot is pretty aware of? I really got used to being alone. I mean, yes, it's hard being a single mom. It's just one challenge after another. And answering questions about the husband is only part of the agony. (Ask my good friend, Naomi about those annoying questions... I'm the Little Voice In Her Head, or something like that...) But in the midst of difficult questions and all the confusion, there were things that I really began to enjoy. Not checking in with someone about a possible schedule conflict. Picking out girly colors for the room. Wearing something pretty just for me. These are all things I'm going to hang on to, regardless of the outcome. I guess being apart reminded me about who this girl named Sugar was. And I began to miss her. And there's a lot of stuff that I'm not willing to lose again.

Being alone also meant that I didn't have to worry about rejection, real or imagined.

The Pilot wasn't always wanting to join me for stuff. I always wondered if... if he would go on a hike with me... if he would schedule time off for special days of the year... if he would want to sit quietly with me as we sipped a cup of coffee read the morning news. I used to get so depressed when my invitations were met with indifference. This time alone made me really look at that unnatural reliance on another person... looking to someone to "complete" me. It hit me hard one day. I remember being up on the most thought clearing hike, thinking, "Now, why is it that I always begged him to come out with me?" I was thoroughly enjoying the quiet time alone. It didn't even bother me when a couple walked past me in the opposite direction. It would have last year. But I realized that although they may have been enjoying the hike together, I was enjoying the solitude... a lot! Then I thought, The Pilot likes fishing... he doesn't think I don't care about him if I don't go with him. Every now and then, we do go out on a boat together and we enjoy it. Most of the time, though, he's like Opey with a pole looking for a fishing hole. He doesn't need me to fish with him. Why did I need him to hike with me? That was a big epiphany for me. Silly, I know... but I can't tell you the relief I felt at that moment, right there on the trail.

So now we are semi-living together. He still keeps his Spare Room rented just in case I need to kick him to the curb. Just in case things don't change in the right direction. Eventually, I suppose he'll either move in and get rid of the Spare Room... or he won't. We'll have to take it... (do I need to say it)

... one day at a time.

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Lyrics that make me think...

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, Ive been afraid of changing
cause Ive built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
Im getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down

Sorry to call so late...

The Message:

"Sorry to call so late, but I was wondering if you were available to babysit. My husband and I are going out to celebrate our eight year anniversary tonight. It was really two days ago but he was out of town. He bumped his flight back a half a day and got in at 11:00 that night so that we could still see each other on the actual day, but that didn't leave us any time for dinner. And last night, well, he was still on Central time so we barbecued with the kids at 4:00. So that brings us to tonight. So I was hoping, if you don't have anything going on, I'd really appreciate it if the kids could come over for a bit. The restaurant is just around the corner from your house and we'll bring some dessert... Call me back."

The Return Call:

"Aren't you guys still separated?"

Yeah... I get that a lot.

While my husband and I are still separated, we are dating. And because we are married, there's no guilt in having sex. (I'm a recovering Catholic, what can I say?) Aside from not falling for bullshit lies that get told when you're dating, the other big bonus is that he really really likes my kids! There are some important things that need to be ironed out before we can make any big changes towards a full reconciliation, if that's even the way this will all play out. But hey...

one day at a time.

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Happy Anniversary, Fly Boy. I love you.

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Momentary Lapse of Reason

Well, that was close!

I heard that people experiencing grief from separation or divorce have those moments where they review the wooda-cooda-shoodas. That was my Sunday evening. I think the thing that triggered the doubt was my super fabulous morning. Stay with me here... See, I was having one of those days where I could just do no wrong. I even had a bit of a swagger going, which really rocked the skirt and sandals that I was wearing. Everywhere I strolled, I knew someone that was happy to see me or wave hi as they drove by. Not to mention my time up in front of an audience getting laughs and tears in all the right places. The sun was shining... the birds were singing...

I was ALL Sugar'd up!

Then I saw him. And I couldn't help but wonder why he couldn't see what others see. And then I remembered that I was worthy of more. But still... the fear and doubt and shame of what-else-could-I-have-done kept nagging at me.

So I blogged.

Thanks to my good blogging buddies and the smack across the face (picture CHer in Moonstruck - SNAP OUT OF IT!), I was reminded of my words. I think that's why I put myself out there. First to see if I can handle the comments. But another reason is that I can't un-say what I need to say. That is what public testimony is all about. And when you have good people keeping you accountable, whether that be to stay away from harmful things or people or just to stay on track towards your dreams, it makes life that much easier to navigate.

I'm definitely feeling me again. Thanks guys.

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Worth

What is time worth?

What price would you put on a hug?

How much would you spend on a kind word?

Is there a limit to the amount of money you would spend to feel special in the presence of another person if money were the only collateral?

I know that I am worth so much more than a seat at a bar and empty conversations with strangers. I know that I am of greater value than a a life of restless travel. Maybe not in the moment, but on the greater scale, I know that I am worth a lot more than endless hours in front of football games on any given Sunday.

I know that. I do.

That's why sometimes I get this horrible awful feeling of sadness with my ex's choice. Granted, the life of a bachelor has a lot to offer. I suppose I would choose it too... if only I had never met my children. Or if I had never known the love of a partner who was willing to put up with emotional harm just to love me. Or if that was even within the realm of how I could ever even think. I can't though. So I still don't understand his thought process. I can make myself crazy trying to figure it out.

I was asked out. On a date. By a guy.

Technically, I am still married. Statistically, this is the worst possible time to meet a new person. Obviously, my marriage is over. Thankfully, my new life has begun. I don't know that I can accept this innocent invitation, though. I feel sick just thinking about it. Half excited but knowing full well that this will be it. This will be the nail in the coffin. Which is a coffin filled with a LOT of nails. So, a date. What would it be like? I'm just curious enough to go.

But what if he is a great guy? God, I can't even let myself go there. I'd be like, yeah, you are really cool and it would be great to be your girlfriend, but would you mind terribly if we stop at the courthouse on the way to dinner because I have all these documents that need to be filed... uuuggghhh... Then again, what if I picked another one of the same? I guess I could pretend I was sick or bolt out the bathroom window when he's not looking or better yet, I could just pretend to be really in love with him and ask him what he thinks about selling everything and going off to the country to raise ostriches. My luck, he'd be all Yeah... let's go, Green Acres!

Or... maybe it could just be a nice evening with good conversation and a sweet smile good night. Maybe.

So I still had to make sure that I wasn't being wrong on my path of divorce. I had to check myself one more time when the ex came to switch cars. Something about him is still attractive to me in an astronaut sort of way. But he's obviously enjoying being on his own. That's why you don't marry life long bachelors. You will never be pretty enough, smart enough, or funny enough to overcome any of that freedom. How funny... I'm actually enjoying my freedom. But for different reasons. Why then would I give it up? On a whim, really? Or just a test? I think it's a woman thing, wanting the best for everyone. That's the trap of codependence. The opposite being spiritual and emotional freedom. I think our freedom costs more because of that... the "everyone else" part.

I wonder what the price of freedom will be for me.

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Rich Single Moms?

A long time ago, I was taught not to cheer so loudly for myself. I was taught that it was bad to boast about my talents. Just saying that I had talents was difficult. Actually earning money from those talents seemed to me to be the ultimate transgression. That's why I really had a tough time getting used to the idea of working AND having fun AND making money. The queeziness of it all is still just under the surface... I am feeling anxious just writing about Fun, Work, and Money in the same sentence! Old Belief Systems (or rather, BS) are hard to break free from, but once you do, the abundance flows!

I just came across a great blog that explores that for single moms. The title cracked me up because it seems like a complete oxymoron: Ms. Catalyst is the author of Rich Single Momma. Check her out for some sage advice on abundance in what would otherwise be considered a scarcity-based lifestyle. Here's a sidebar description:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

Now trust me when I say that I know in my head that this is true. But living it out has been my challenge. At least I thought it was until I reviewed what I have accomplished this year. I am out of an unhealthy relationship. I am living well on my own with my two youngest children, not starving and not working 70 hours a week. I am surrounded by friends who love me and appreciate me for who I AM. I earn real money doing what I love. All in all, I have designed a life of my own making in which I am free to be myself and to be right in the center of God's will for me.

How Awesome!

It's great to see other single moms living life and claiming themselves brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous! Way to go, Ms. Catalyst! I'll be checking in often!

My Part

So part of this whole Sense-of-Self thing (for me, anyway) has been taking ownership of my part. After the Open Letter episode (which has now been taken off the air, thank you very much) I felt better. I really really did.

And then I didn't.

What if we get back together? Wow... my friends will think I'm a HUGE Jackass after airing all that dirty laundry! Well, that was the purpose of going public right? To be held accountable. Still... I wondered... what if? So then, as part of my old, scary, codependent cycle, I fell back into making excuses for him and blaming myself.

So much for My New Self.

Darn... I felt so weak and powerless, and then just sick about that cycle repeat. Shoot! I was doing so well. Fortunately, it wasn't a complete setback. I started to see my part in this whole thing. So here goes:

~I can be pretty stubborn when it comes to things I think I deserve... like that Kirby. Damn thing can airspray paint! Did you know that?

~I whine when he flies all the time. Did I mention I KNEW he was a pilot when I married him?

~I pout when we don't do active stuff together. This one is a toss up. When we were first married, we used to go power walking all the time. Then I had the baby and she would always get the sniffles when we came back from the beach, so since there were no sidewalks anywhere else in town *ahem* I stopped walking and blamed my weight gain on his lack of support. Which is sort of true... but not entirely.

Stupid stuff like that used to get us both so blown up. Kind of like the toothpaste-cap argument. Obviously, things got worse and worse over the years. Without any guidance on the communication front, we started letting those annoying little behaviors become huge elephants in every room until we were doing pretty mean things to each other. We didn't cope well. We didn't talk. We just took to our separate coping mechanisms and limped along.

We were ugly with denial.

The worst thing that I have to regret about it all (and this is the biggest part of My Part) was that I expected him to be someone he was not. I wanted an apple... I really really wanted an apple. So why did I complain when I walked over to the orange tree on my own volition and picked an orange? Did I think an orange would magically transform into an apple if I held it and wished long and hard enough? If I did everything in my power to sweeten, cajole, persuade this orange to become that apple? I think, too, he might have expected ME to be someone I was not... or was not capable of being. We both reached for something that was more a mirage than reality. The mirage kept us hopeful, but the reality kept popping in to shake us back awake.

For now we are separated behaving kindly towards each other and handling our adult obligations like business partners. We are married by law only, it seems. So now what? I have no idea. I do know that the clock isn't going to stop ticking, the earth isn't going to stop spinning, and the pages of the calendar will not cease flying off month after month. There is still the Living thing that needs to happen. I still have children to raise and guide. I still have photos to shoot and copy to write. I have invitations to accept, kindnesses to acknowledge, books to read, and trails to climb. I don't know what will happen with my marriage. I do know that I have a lot to accomplish tomorrow. And that's about all I can take care of for now. I hate to say this but...

One day at a time.

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