Sunday, October 19, 2008

Small

Small (adverb): softly; in a low voice; without strength or force; weakly; into little pieces

Sometimes, I feel small and scared. Like I'm vulnerable to any harm that might come my way. I become insecure in my insignificance. As though I have no protection against the world. I think of my babies... the moment I first held them... knowing that it was my responsibility to take care of them and keep them from harm. It was an awesome responsibility. One that I wasn't always successful at. One that, in my brokenness and anger, I screwed up more than I care to admit.

And I wonder if I deserve to feel anything but small...

Sometimes when I sit on the beach, I'm aware of my insignificant role in the world. I'm dwarfed by the horizon layed out in front of me, so vast that my vision bends at the corners. On the edge of the world, I am still very aware that I am loved. And I try so hard not to project my human frailties and mistakes on the God of the Universe. Instead, I try to let the horizon comfort me. The waves always sound like the hearty laughter of a proud father. The sun always feels like a tender kiss on my forehead. In that place, where I am so small, I feel so wonderfully significant.

I feel like a precious daughter.

I don't know that I've ever been so concerned about the world in my entire life. I don't know that I've ever felt this vulnerable before. I don't know that I have ever been at a place where I can't choose a leader. When I didn't know that everything would be okay. And as scary as that is to me, I realize that I should never put so much trust in one fallible man. There is more... and we are more... and life is more... and God is so big...

And I am small... and vulnerable... and still precious.

.

18 comments:

Jesse P Luna said...

I've been feeling the same way, mostly for financial reasons. I just came back from visiting my dad and it was great to give him a hug and feel safe again, if only for a moment.

Angela said...

Very beautifully written.

Over the last year, I've begun to "welcome" the hurdles. Why? Well, I've had SO MANY come up against me and I've overcome them ALL myself because of God.

God inspired me to create something back in April and I haven't stopped since. Just when I think that I'm not capable, He gives me a way. I've developed such a realization that nothing is impossible.

Mark 10:27 For with GOD, all things are possible.

Life is an incredible journey.

Aly said...

Well said.

I have a footsteps in the sand ring that I had "Matthew 6:25-34" inscribed in. It is my favorite Bible verse and I live by it now. I used to worry myself to pieces over everything. Will something horrible happen to my husband on the way home? Will we be able to pay off the car any time soon? Does the dog like me? (Okay, not that so much but you get my point that I worried over everything.)

My favorite part of the verse is, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

That is the truth!

breanna said...

your post made me think of one of my most favorite songs. it's by nichole nordeman, and it's called "small enough." here's the first verse:

oh, Great God
be small enough to hear me now
there were times when i was crying from the dark of daniels den
and i have asked you once or twice if you would part the seas again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just want to know you're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, Great God
be small enough to hear me now


i'd really encourage you to listen to the entire song. God has spoken to me through this song time and time again.

doubleagentgirl said...

HUG!

It is said that He never gives us more than we can handle...give your worries over.

Smile - it's the first step.

Lizzi said...

Perspective is a wonderful thing.

Rowena said...

I think a lot of people are feeling their smallness, but I think ultimately it's a good thing.

Sometimes, the best thing we can do is focus on our small world and take care of it with the little things we can do.

Anonymous said...

Great post! It's amazing to know that even though we're small and vulnerable, we're still children of a Heavenly Father who both knows us and loves us.

Thank you for sharing this with me!

James
http://serviceafol.blogspot.com/

FireMom said...

This was beautiful.

I've found that my small(er) moments have taught me how to better act/react in my bigger moments.

Lela said...

What a lovely, beautiful post. I especially like this part:

'The waves always sound like the hearty laughter of a proud father. The sun always feels like a tender kiss on my forehead. In that place, where I am so small, I feel so wonderfully significant.'

Lillymunster said...

I feel the same way, but you worded it much more nicely. My mental picture usually involves ants.

I am off to go re-read Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

Ann said...

As painful as feeling small and vulnerable is, it sometimes teaches us our most important lessons. Although, I really don't think this is/was a lesson you need - you knew this loooooooooong ago. Still, a beautiful post that expresses how fragile each of truly are, but how strong as well.

I think it's your awareness(es) of your vulnerabilities that makes you, in my mind, stronger than almost anyone.

Mama said...

This post is deeply moving...I feel like you. I often would visit the beach, and while walking the sand, letting the waves lap at my feet, I would remember His words: My thoughts of you number more than the grains of sands on the shore. He does have every minute detail of our lives in His hands...fear not!

D'Arcy said...

Sugar...by small and simple means are great things brought to pass.


I am small too.


And yet--I am divine, and that makes me feel larger than I can ever be.

Jyl @ MommyGossip said...

Wow! So glad you linked over at http://mommygossip-gno.blogspot.com. Seriously... you are a terrific writer. I was expecting a travel-related post, but found this tender one that I can soooo relate to. Thanks for your articulate candor. So glad I have gotten to know you through #gno. I am loving reading other #gno gal's blogs today. Think we are going to have to take this live at some point :). So many of you I want to meet in person!

Have a wonderful day! "See" you next week at #gno and in between on Twitter :).

Kristin T. said...

Wow. I just found your blog and feel like I've found a sister. Very exciting. What you call "Living in Theory" sounds very much like what I refer to as "Halfway to Normal" or living a life in between.

You put the wonderful complexities of being a child of God so well here:
"In that place, where I am so small, I feel so wonderfully significant. I feel like a precious daughter."

We are indeed small, and yet so significant. Thanks for putting it so eloquently.

(Btw, I'm following you on Twitter, too! I'm kt_writes.)

Stina said...

Thanks for visiting my blog! I appreciate your thoughts as a mother as I navigate this journey myself. I think sometimes that being small is a comfort - knowing that there is someone out there watching over you is a very humbling and vulnerable feeling, but also a reminder that we are not and can't be in control of our lives. And although that is hard for me to swallow, it makes my faith stronger.

Gossiping Gals, Jyl and Carissa said...

I love kristina's halfway to NORMAL comment..I can sooo relate.

When watching my children play together (all three of them--oh so rare) I feel that smallness and see GREATNESS!

Thanks for making me slow down a bit...

Carissa@ GoodNCrazy