Sunday, June 8, 2008

Worth

What is time worth?

What price would you put on a hug?

How much would you spend on a kind word?

Is there a limit to the amount of money you would spend to feel special in the presence of another person if money were the only collateral?

I know that I am worth so much more than a seat at a bar and empty conversations with strangers. I know that I am of greater value than a a life of restless travel. Maybe not in the moment, but on the greater scale, I know that I am worth a lot more than endless hours in front of football games on any given Sunday.

I know that. I do.

That's why sometimes I get this horrible awful feeling of sadness with my ex's choice. Granted, the life of a bachelor has a lot to offer. I suppose I would choose it too... if only I had never met my children. Or if I had never known the love of a partner who was willing to put up with emotional harm just to love me. Or if that was even within the realm of how I could ever even think. I can't though. So I still don't understand his thought process. I can make myself crazy trying to figure it out.

I was asked out. On a date. By a guy.

Technically, I am still married. Statistically, this is the worst possible time to meet a new person. Obviously, my marriage is over. Thankfully, my new life has begun. I don't know that I can accept this innocent invitation, though. I feel sick just thinking about it. Half excited but knowing full well that this will be it. This will be the nail in the coffin. Which is a coffin filled with a LOT of nails. So, a date. What would it be like? I'm just curious enough to go.

But what if he is a great guy? God, I can't even let myself go there. I'd be like, yeah, you are really cool and it would be great to be your girlfriend, but would you mind terribly if we stop at the courthouse on the way to dinner because I have all these documents that need to be filed... uuuggghhh... Then again, what if I picked another one of the same? I guess I could pretend I was sick or bolt out the bathroom window when he's not looking or better yet, I could just pretend to be really in love with him and ask him what he thinks about selling everything and going off to the country to raise ostriches. My luck, he'd be all Yeah... let's go, Green Acres!

Or... maybe it could just be a nice evening with good conversation and a sweet smile good night. Maybe.

So I still had to make sure that I wasn't being wrong on my path of divorce. I had to check myself one more time when the ex came to switch cars. Something about him is still attractive to me in an astronaut sort of way. But he's obviously enjoying being on his own. That's why you don't marry life long bachelors. You will never be pretty enough, smart enough, or funny enough to overcome any of that freedom. How funny... I'm actually enjoying my freedom. But for different reasons. Why then would I give it up? On a whim, really? Or just a test? I think it's a woman thing, wanting the best for everyone. That's the trap of codependence. The opposite being spiritual and emotional freedom. I think our freedom costs more because of that... the "everyone else" part.

I wonder what the price of freedom will be for me.

...

10 comments:

HappyWifeHappyLife said...

OK, Sugar. I'm going to be your Voice of Reason here... ready?

You said you're still attracted to your ex in an "Astronaut-kind of way".

Let me point out TWO recent "NASA/Astronaut" related developments:

1. Lisa Nowak (a/k/a Crazy Astronaut Stalker Chick)
2. The space shuttle toilet that stayed broken for TWO FRIKKIN WEEKS.

Ponder those for a moment, my dear. LOL. :-)

HappyWifeHappyLife said...

btw - like the new blog layout - very colorful and eye-catching!

Sugar said...

That's HILARIOUS! I only ever picture Ed Harris in The Right Stuff... that's what my ex looks like. Now I get to remove that picture and put in a diaper wearing and irritable person. Oh THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! Reprogramming is a lot more fun with witty blogger input. :)

D'Arcy said...

Sugar...wow. wow. I need to process this for a bit.

First of all...you are damn straight that you are worth MUCH more than what you have been given this year. So thank you, thank you, for putting that out there, for recognizing it, and for giving it more power by saying it and writing it for all of us to read. We agree!!

I have so many thoughts about giving people monetary values, about your divorce, your ex, your date, your possibilities....I don't know where to start.

So, I think that's what I'll focus on this read. Your possibilities. They aren't just endless, they are ready and waiting to be discovered, they will start unraveling themselves as time passes and starts to heal this hurt that must be rotting inside you still. The possibilities for love are there, if not with this guy with another (although dating is wonderful, and that is a tough situation!), the possibilities for amazing days with your children, the possibilities of education, and for freedom, and yes, for a better life than what you had.

Possibilities my friend. Possibilities.

D'Arcy said...

And I just need to add, your honesty is amazing, you are really putting yourself out there. I love it, I love when people can break down the false barrier we are forced to show sometimes, and really just get to the core of things. First step to healing, my friend.

Also, wanted to add that I love your friendship! This August, we are meeting in California!

Sugar said...

D'arcy:

Possibilities... aaahhh...

You know I know this seems like it's a first step, but it's actually probably my tenth step. Two steps forward, one step back... like yo-yo dieting, I guess.

August! Yes!

Ruahines said...

Kia ora Sugar,
I read your post in ways like looking in a mirror. As a man I didn't know if I should respond or not, but reading your words again I will, as I do not think what you are writing is gender based.
I only know your words, and what you write about letting someone sit by your fire but not steal your wood I find profound and full of strength.
It is hard to let go, to not think something may be left, yet just reading your words I think you know the answers. A good friend once told me that parts of my life were held together like constructive tension, one supports the other, and when one is pulled away or pushes too hard it can collapse or be distorted out of shape. I believe this holds true for relationships as well. It is not just an either/or dualistic choice at this point. If two people in it do not both believe and commit to it firmly, especially when it is already in trouble, then perhaps it is beyond saving and time to move on. Especially again, if it involves major changes
as people. We are always on the edge of a precipice in relationships. I do not mean that in a bad way, if that makes sense.
There is nothing wrong with looking back from time to time, after all, you have connections to this person which will always remain. But then look ahead to the mountain you are climbing and what awaits you when you reach your pinnacle. Kia kaha!
Ka kite ano,
Robb

Sugar said...

Robb:

Thank you. Truly, thank you. I get scared some times. I don't think that's a gender based feeling, either. I still have tears right now, but I think it's just part of letting go of what I wish could have been. But it really couldn't have. Still, it's not easy.

How do you say Dream in Maori?

Naomi said...

i don't know why my button is on your page...i swear i didn't do it! maybe i was just meant to find your page as i've been yo yo-ing w/ an ex b/f recently. or maybe i needed to realize that that breastfeeding logo I stuck up there looks silly and i need to stop being a lazy ass and change it. either way, glad i found your blog, i'll have to read it all after my cup of coffee, i'm not so coherant yet. i'll add you to my blogroll...not the same as my big button, but it'll have to do lol

HappyWifeHappyLife said...

I didn't want to come right out and say "shit" and "stalker" but I'm glad you got the message in my earlier comment. ;-) (And big whoop if he looks like Ed Harris - even incredibly HOT guys can be jerks....)

You have finished that chapter in the book of your Life and it's time to move forward. I "second" what everyone else says in these comments about being able to see your strength in your words. It is obvious how far you have come, Sugar! Don't back down, girl - you've come WAY too far! :-)