Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Momentary Lapse of Reason

Well, that was close!

I heard that people experiencing grief from separation or divorce have those moments where they review the wooda-cooda-shoodas. That was my Sunday evening. I think the thing that triggered the doubt was my super fabulous morning. Stay with me here... See, I was having one of those days where I could just do no wrong. I even had a bit of a swagger going, which really rocked the skirt and sandals that I was wearing. Everywhere I strolled, I knew someone that was happy to see me or wave hi as they drove by. Not to mention my time up in front of an audience getting laughs and tears in all the right places. The sun was shining... the birds were singing...

I was ALL Sugar'd up!

Then I saw him. And I couldn't help but wonder why he couldn't see what others see. And then I remembered that I was worthy of more. But still... the fear and doubt and shame of what-else-could-I-have-done kept nagging at me.

So I blogged.

Thanks to my good blogging buddies and the smack across the face (picture CHer in Moonstruck - SNAP OUT OF IT!), I was reminded of my words. I think that's why I put myself out there. First to see if I can handle the comments. But another reason is that I can't un-say what I need to say. That is what public testimony is all about. And when you have good people keeping you accountable, whether that be to stay away from harmful things or people or just to stay on track towards your dreams, it makes life that much easier to navigate.

I'm definitely feeling me again. Thanks guys.



Rowena said...

I have a friend whose helpful phrase is "knock it off!" and now that she is no longer living in this country, I have to somehow internalize her no nonsense love.

I have to be my own knock-it-offer and tell myself to stop feeling sorry for myself and dust off my own pants and get back to who I really am and what I really want to do.

Sometimes it helps me to think of what my 16 year old self would have thought. Would she have wanted this to be her? Would I want her to turn into this? If the answer is no, than i have to knock it off.

It's hard though.

HappyWifeHappyLife said...

Hooray! You go girl!!

Mocha said...

You are learning a TON through what you're experiencing (and I've skimmed and have a pretty good idea) and KUDOS. It is always good to be learning. Keep on. It gets better.

D'Arcy said...

The Swell Swaggering Suga!!! Ahhh Yeah!! I can see the soundtrack of your life right now, and I am hearing a bit of Okkervil River's "Unless it Kicks!" Or, cheesy as it may seem, that catchy KT Tunstall song.. "Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be!" I see a girl on fire, a girl choppin' her own wood and creating quite a sweat! I see a strong and powerful goddess (even at a meager 5'5") who is back on track. That doesn't mean that you can't fall down every single day, in the mud, wearing white, in front of a thousand people. But as long as you keep picking yourself back up, and keep taking those steps forward...

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

I feel the benefit of having you in my life!

Ruahines said...

Kia ora Sugar,
I am glad to read you are feeling back on the path. There is nothing wrong with feeling low and learning the lessons. I often think of the journey is like climbing a mountain, very steep and rugged in the valley and on the way to the top. Yet both places offer value. Sometimes the best place to reach is the upper forest ridge, where the view is high enough to see below, but low enough to appreciate the climb ahead.
The Maori word for dream is moehewa.

Anonymous said...

First of all, thank you for your wonderful comments on my blog! I really appreciated your input, and felt great that you understood, REALLY understood, that strange feeling of disconnectedness with one's life, at certain points.

My mother-in-law has a magnet on her fridge that says, "Snap out of it!" and I think of it everytime I'm trying to get through something, and wind up self-indulgently going in the wrong direction. It helps, for some odd reason. It's okay to feel lost. It's okay to feel scared of change. It's okay to feel ANYTHING. We are human, after all.

I suppose if one can get a grip at some point, and get on with things, then the emotional ups and downs don't seem so devastating. I have been through some difficult change in my life, too, so I can empathize. But these times are also exciting and invigorating - and can offer the chance for some good old fashioned self-examination, which in my book, is always a good thing.

Thanks for reminding me of this.