Ahhh, the year long journey of mind, heart, and soul that Elizabeth Gilbert took us on. All the beauty in self discovery and healing. How could anyone read that book and not be completely transformed?
Unfortunately, I have perverted the Eat factor this week.
I lent my copy to a friend today. In taking it out, I had so many flashbacks... aha moments mixed with soul draining tears. I hope she finds solace in it, as I did. In fact, the way I'm feeling right now, I wish I was immersed in it rather than my own story. If I were to write my story today, it would never sell. It's not empowering or hopeful or inspiring.
I've been really thinking late into the night about the things that I allow. I allow a man who doesn't love me (at least not in the nurturing husband way) to keep me just within reach? I fill the companion role for him but without all that messy commitment crap. But what about me? Is that all I'm willing to settle for? Can I really have just a little compartment in his heart? Am I not worthy of more? "Don't fall for it," I've been screaming in my head. But no one has been listening.
So to punish myself, I decided to eat... bad.
I walked out of the grocery store two days ago with two Three Musketeers (which I guess is Six Musketeers), M&Ms, and a Twix bar. Also in the pile were two quarts of Ben & Jerry's, elixir of all broken hearts. Then there were the Cream Puffs. Oh and don't forget the Extra Creamy Whipped Cream.
What a pig.
And why? Because I stupidly let myself believe that anything good could come of my husband-ish and I dating. To be fair, I actually thought it might work. I mean, hey, my blood doesn't run cold, you know? He likes our set up of "I'll see you soon." Of course he does. But now, really living in it, I don't. I feel insecure all the time. Hollow. Sad. Except when he's here. And I don't want to wait around for him in order to feel like me. When we are not "dating" I don't have these issues. I'm self assured. Confident. Beautiful, even! When I'm with him, I'm scared, insecure... ugly.
Fortunately, I snapped out of it before I could do any damage.
I broke off our "arrangement" today. It was tough being honest without trying to persuade him to be different. He is who he is, and I can't do anything about that. I CAN, however, accept it and extend myself a little grace. Who knows... in a year, I may be filled with the kind of love that Ms. Gilbert found on her amazing journey. And maybe I'll have a more inspiring way to wrap up this chapter of my life.