Holy S*it!

I hate it when I chicken out of something and blame it on someone else.

So a few weeks ago, I was at Saddleback Church for something other than the candidates' Q & A with Rick Warren. Ignoring all the TV trucks and buzzing helicopters, I sat and listened to Kay Warren, Rick's wife talk about a subject that I had been discussing with my inner critic for quite some time now. When I got one of the random passes, it was only for that specific time, but rather than feel like I got the fuzzy end of the stick, I had this awesome feeling that there was something at that specific time on that particular day that I needed to hear. As I sat there in the sanctuary, I understood why.

She was talking about the fear of stepping up.

Then she referenced Aztlan from Narnia. May mean nothing to you, but I fully expected her to look right at me. I got that feeling in my chest you get when someone randomly calls you out and makes you come up on stage to answer an awkward question. All from a Lion in some kids' movie? Yep! See, I've been using guided imagery in my daily trials with difficult people since I have a few of them buzzing around at any given moment. The picture in my head that I call to mind is the part where Aztlan (The Lion) belts out a roar and shuts the witch up. She is frightened back into her seat and he goes back to his pose of strength even thought she thinks she has won. That whole roar thing and the witch backing down... that's the visual I use when people start to cross my boundaries. Sorry ahead of time if I ever let out a loud roar when you ever happen to "should" on me. At least you'll know why. Back to Kay... she brings up Aztlan and how Lucy, the curious little girl asks one of the Narnians, "Is he safe?" The answer...

"Safe? No. But he is good."

Kay's point was that sometimes, doing what we're supposed to do may not be safe and may be scary, but we know that we are supposed to go in that direction... and that it will be good, and that God is right there with us. I've been wanting to become a group leader in our recovery team for a while now. That was why I went to the summit that day. The problem is that I didn't think I was good enough to go the next step... to ask. I was paralyzed by the fear that I wasn't ready. I didn't know if I would ever get the courage up to ask. See, once you ask, you are open to rejection. That rejection might sound like criticism to a sensitive ear. And I can be... sensitive. I hate that. A LOT! But supposedly, I'm not concerned about what others think anymore. And there was Kay reminding me that my Lion is good... So why then, did it bother me when the woman (leader) sitting next to me (also listening to Kay speak) got all snarky and said I was merely getting there? Because it tapped into that crummy fear.

"I'm not good enough."

That afternoon, we had the opportunity to nail a note to a cross. Each of us wrote what we were going to leave behind, nailed to wood, never to haunt us again. In next year's program, there will likely be a picture of some crazed woman pounding a nail in as far as it could go eliciting giggles and stares from some bewildered attendees at this summit. No matter how much she resembles me... don't be fooled. That woman was someone who was brave and strong at that moment. The woman typing this post still holds that fear in a little velvet box, wrapped up in a plain brown wrapper, tied with some twine, tucked away in a dark spot, somewhere deep in her heart.

What a pathetic loser.

But then I sat there at church on Sunday, a week and a day later, and heard a message of how many other leaders were afraid. Afraid of not being good enough. Afraid of change. (Woah! Didn't I just post something about that? Creepy...) Now, I don't mean to say that I am equal to Moses or Abraham, but I'm also not being asked to go smack down some big old Pharoah or build a massive nation. Nope. Just being nudged to help out with a small group of women that want to recover from life's hurts. Not a big deal. *big sigh* But I still worry... and I still care a teensy tiny bit about the opinion of others... and I'm still afraid to hear "No, Sugar. You're not good enough."

How many times do you suppose I need to hear that I am good enough? Only one more...

In comes The Pilot this morning, one day after the Fear of Change sermon, coffees in hand. Did you know we have a Starbuck's within walking distance from us? Did you know that sometimes, I'm still tempted to go to the Starbuck's Drive Thru like three miles away? Way to be green, huh? Anyway, today's installation of The Way I See It on the back of the coffee cup was #17. Look it up. I'll wait... Oh, never mind... I'll just show it to you:



Huh! Serendipity comes in 16 oz. coffee containers, too!

Here, I got all worked up about someone else being snarky and allowing that feeling of not being good enough to spill on to me and get me all yucky with their stuff almost to the point of not stepping out and stepping up. And all this time, the truth... (according to Keith Olbermann, but not Starbucks as they clearly state that this is the authors opinion... big chickens) the truth may actually be that they, the dream stealers, the nay-sayers, the grumpies are simply not very smart. Huh! In fact, they may actually be stupid! So you know what? Me and my lion are going to step up and just keep on roaring at all the stupid people in the world.

Even if sometimes, I still get a little scared...

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Stories are great for encouragement. I'd love to hear stories about overcoming fears, ignoring dream stealers, or eschewing the snarkiness of others.

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Quiet Time and The Header

Yesterday's lunch meeting went well. I didn't puke. Aces! Better than that, though, was the lightness I felt as I walked in and saw familiar faces smiling and working to help each other succeed. Always so great to be in that kind of positive environment. But it was only momentary. I still felt somewhat anxious, physically. Like a low buzz that I couldn't shake. I realized later that I had been "too busy" to go out for my run that morning. The crunch of soft trails under my feet and the moments of silence tend to set my days aright. That time gets me straight in the head, giving me the strength and clarity to make it through each day.

And right now, I can't afford to be without strength or clarity.

I wonder if we all had that quiet time in the morning to get our heads straight... I wonder how life might improve not just for ourselves, but overall. The constant busy-ness looks productive, but what do we miss? What kind of lopsided relationship to busy-ness do we have? The busier, the better is what the world says, right? I know it's not true, but I still fall into the trap. So when I took that morning quiet time away from myself, my Spirit was robbed. I was off all morning. It wasn't until I was amidst friends in the afternoon that I finally felt like Sugar again. But that was almost the end of the day. A whole day!

I wonder what else I missed because of my busy-ness?

So, the header. Do you see it? The two sides of one girl? Identical in heart but outwardly different. It's a take on the drawing of the hand drawing a hand. But in this drawing, it's not about checking out each little fold in the knuckle. It's more analyzing the essence of the person. Taking a step back and looking at Self in the Third to understand why this little girl does what she does.

Do you see what they are doing? Each is completing the drawing of the other. The two sides becoming whole. When I saw the picture, I remember saying out loud, "YES! That's it!" Perfect for this little blog about living for real, not just in theory. About understanding what we do that takes away from who we are... and what we do to make the picture whole.

Now I'm off to run the trails and breathe deeply. I don't want to miss anything today.

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Today's post was brought to you by the letter "B" for balance.

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