Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Damn Questions...

The first day of being co-host at The Classy Closet radio show, Jen asked me some questions so that the regular listeners could get to know me. Sure... why not?

"What was the scariest moment in your life?"

The first and only thing that popped into my head... the one moment that I was so afraid and so panic stricken... the moment that I wake up thinking about more than I care to admit was the day that my estranged daughter walked out of the house as a toddler. She quietly woke up from a nap, and since I was busy doing silly busy work, I hadn't noticed that she had managed to reach and open the front door. When I went to wake her and saw that she was gone... Oh God... I can't describe the tight wrenching feeling in my stomach. I remember the sensation of having tunnel vision... adrenaline? blood rushing and pulsing in survival mode? I don't know, but I couldn't feel myself walking, either, and could barely hear my own voice yelling her name.

That was thirteen... maybe fourteen years ago. It's all so horribly vivid to me. Like a nightmare I can't wake up from. It scares me to this day to think of what could have happened. Then I wonder what was going through her head. Was she looking for me? Was she scared? When we found her across the street in another neighborhood playing with ducks, I was so relieved. I couldn't stop hugging her... soaking her with my tears. Nothing has ever been so scary to me.

At least it ended well that day.

Still, here I am... wondering if this will end well. Wondering when or if I'll ever see her again. When will it be okay to just have lunch together and chat. I feel that tight wrenching in my stomach when I think of the ugly words we've yelled at each other or even further back when I could've been around more... listened more... anything more... I would do anything to change it... all of it...

That's probably why that day so many years ago was the only scary moment I could recall. Maybe because I relive that awful morning every day that we don't speak. Where is she? Where is my daughter? I picture myself running to the neighbors panicking... trying to explain that she's gone... help me, please... I can't find her... and the look on their faces... the judgment... tisk tisk, now you've done it... No, I will never forget that day.

But this... this separation without end... this just might be scarier.

18 comments:

Caroline said...

My blood ran cold at the image of you walking in and not finding your child in her crib. *THAT* is fear, in its purest form. My heart goes out to you Sugar.

Steph at The Red Clay Diaries said...

Wow. Just. Wow. What a horrible memory. And how equally horrible that you're still living it now.

I'm so sorry. I hope it ends soon.

(Saw your tweet. Glad I clicked over. :)

Rowena said...

That is scary. Wow. The toddler, the grown up.

I've only got toddlers, and I can keep so much more control. I know that will fade as they grow and go out into the world and become their own people.

I guess the only thing we can hope for is that we gave them the tools to handle whatever comes at them, to make wise decisions, and when they don't make wise decisions, to learn from their mistakes.

Maybe someday soon, your lost daughter will come home, and your relationship will start over into something new.

I wish it for you.

Christy Lanier Attwood said...

My heart started racing when I read your story. I've had the feeling before and it is one you never forget. I pray for the reunion with your daughter. It's painful to be disconnected with someone you love as dearly as you clearly love her.

Kristin T. said...

This story really gripped me. I think, especially as mothers, we want desperately to know what our role is, and we want it to be an active role--one we can throw ourselves into. Even though the experience of not knowing where your toddler was was terrifying, you knew exactly what to do until you found her. You ran and looked and called her name.

But as our kids grow up, so much of our role as parents becomes much more abstract and subtle. We wait. We pray. We try to talk and hope they listen.

Thanks for sharing this difficult story. I will say a prayer for you and your daughter.

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

That is my nightmare with Will aka Houdini.... although the current part of your story may have just replaced it.

Naomi said...

The reality of you and your daughter's relationship is one of my great fears. I'm sorry that you have to go through it. I will say that you have a pretty good idea of my crappy childhood and the birth of my daughter has turned us into an almost normal family. My father and I speak. He hugged me when they left from their visit. It may take time, but eventually we all have no choice but to forgive and move on. Have faith. And we'll all be keeping our fingers crossed for you. xo

btw miss crazy do you know what my verification word was lady...mine was "i mended" maybe it's a sign :)

Jenn said...

Wow, I can't imagine how you felt then or how you feel now. If my daughter just dissapeared - I don't know if my legs would even work, I would be so terrified.
My heart is with you as you go through this separation with your daughter. I hope you both will come to a good ending again.

Melissa, Multi-Tasking Mama said...

My mom and I were estranged for many years and about six years ago started working on our relationship and about two years ago have become closer than we ever were- we just redefined our relationship. Don't give up hope- God is bigger enough to heal any rift, in His time. ~hugs~

tarabearable said...

I was the estranged daughter once...but I fell in love, began a family & wasn't complete until I came back. She's thinking of you too, guaranteed.

Lisa said...

Oh wow. That is scary.

My heart is with you. Am hoping that 2009 is the year when you and your daughter will be able to have chats over lunch. Here's hoping this is a healing year for you both.

Super Nova said...

Congratulations on the cohost!!! I'd love to listen again if you send out a reminder of when you're on.

TiaSparkles aka Tia Singh said...

You know, I had a love-hate rel with my mom from age 14 - 24. I left home at 24 and in the years since, we were on and off good terms untill a few years ago.

Now, I appreciate and love her so much. It changed cos we did. She took responsibility for stuff that she did wrong and so did I.

Apologising to each other was just the start. It's taken time build it up to where it is through open, transparent communication but rest assured the tide will turn and things will work out.

I just hope it happens sooner rather than later - I regret the 10 years of disharmony but then again, we all learned powerful lessons and it was a spiritual growth period.

Have you tried segment intending?

My mom visualised how she wanted out relationship to be and it wasn't long after that we reconnected on a whole different level .. DM me if you want to know more.

Corina - Down to Earth Mama said...

I had that recently as well. I heard the front door open, thought I had time to finish the wiping my hands, rinsing that last plate. Thought that in that time, there is no way they made it beyond the front steps.

Disappeared. In no more than 30 seconds. Found walking towards a busy road. Must have been hiding between the houses. NEVER do I want that feeling again. EVER. And the fear of what could have been.

I honestly hope that you can find peace with your daughter. Sometimes, space is what it takes. My thoughts are with you.

Meredith ~ craftyGAgal said...

You post really touched me. I have not spoken seen my mom in over 15 yrs. I am now a mom myself and know that then I was young and dumb and 15 and thought I KNEW it all. I was wrong, is this an excuse for my behavior...no, but I have come to accept after so many years it is a defense.
I have recently reunited with my Aunt, her sister and my Grandmother who met my 6 yr old twin boys for the first time....oh how Bittersweet. It is senseless to have gone on this long, but days turn to weeks to months to 15 yrs. I pray that my mom will come around and until then I work on the relationships I can control.
YOU are in my prayer and I hope that God will put his loving hand over her and protect her ....as he did ME!

resplendentlife said...

Oh, Sugar! I'm just sending you love, honey. Lots and lots of love!!!
Mother/daughter relationships can be so complicated. My mother and I have been through so much pain and there is lingering distrust and uncertainty that taints our relationship to this day. I'm praying for God's covering over your daughter while you are separated from each other and that your reunion comes sooner than later.

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