Friday, July 25, 2008

Still foggy in here...

It's been a week since Day One at BlogHer and I am finally back into reality mode. Not an easy thing, let me tell you.

I'm feeling a lot of feelings right now. And since all of my therapy money went to my trip to San Francisco for BlogHer, I'm just laying it all here. You lucky reader, you...

I really wish I would have stayed at the St. Francis. Not because it's such a beautiful hotel or because I wanted to be able to just walk downstairs to the sessions. I wish I wouldn't have spent nearly as much time with my sister as I had... and it was pretty limited time. It was awkward. I realize now that I just can't be around her. It hurts too much. I'm upset that she's the only other kid that lived through life with me and doesn't have any desire to talk about it without being hurtful and sarcastic. I'm also upset with her for her snarky jabs and then getting all exasperated like I'm the one that did something wrong when I finally had to jab her back. Sorry, but stupid questions and being talked down to kinda do that to me! I had to summon all of my decency in order to just give her one of those two-pat-man-hugs at the airport. I couldn't walk away fast enough. Well, I was late for my flight, so I had to walk fast... but you get what I mean, don't you?

While I was up there, my kids were all here. All of them. Even the one that doesn't talk to me. I invited her, but I have a feeling, that was all being planned before my gracious invitation. I'm still trying to get all the stories straight about how my hand-blown glass humingbird feeder met its demise or why my furniture looks like it's sitting on a slant. I also reached for a mug only to find it missing. I already said what I needed to say. I think my words were heard. I'm not sure how they were processed on the other end, but that's not my deal. What happened was that I let them all know that I was disappointed. The reactions were that they didn't think I should be upset. Apparently, the mere fact that they were helping me out means that anything that was broken or missing or misspoken would be forgiven.

Ummm... no.

If I'm watching your cat and it dies because it jumped out a three story window because I let him play there and then I said Ooops, sorry, but don't be mad, cause I was watching your cat for you... is that okay? No. Or how is it that you can wash all of YOUR mugs without breaking them, but come over to my house and all of the sudden you have some crazy, mysterious hand problem that prevents you from holding MY mug without letting it drop? Huh, Mom? Or if you are going to partake in my home and all the amenities, have the decency to respond to an email that asks if you had a nice time and that I hope you were comfortable here... even though you won't visit when I AM here.

I'm also still heaving out the last of the fog trapped in my lungs. I get this weird temporary asthma whenever I breathe in moist air, which is usually daily living so close to the coast. That was part of the reason I moved further inland when the pilot and I sold our house and separated. I need dry, people! DRY! I'm thinking I'm going to take a trip out to the Grand Canyon. It's so beautiful there... so big... so amazing... we went there for lunch last year. Yep. Just for lunch. The life of a pilot's wife is kinda weird like that.

Am I still a pilot's wife? hmmm...

We are "celebrating" our Eight Year Anniversary next week. He'll be in Texas on the actual day. That's another thing I've become accustomed to. Before you feel sorry for me, I have to say that I understand that it's only a date. Some random numbers on a calendar. I'd much rather have our lives be sane and joyful than to celebrate artificially on a specific date. Does that make sense? So, I'm picking him up from the airport two days later. We're going to dinner from there. Downtown San Diego is always a lot of fun, so it should be nice. I'm really looking forward to some time alone with him. But from there, what? We've been talking about moving back in together, but I think we're both a little scared. I know I am. This Texas thing is nice. He's been away for ten days. I've had some fun in The City. But now, we go back to real life.

And it's all still just a little foggy to me...

...

10 comments:

shani.enns said...

Isn't it interesting how the highs in life seem to bring out the lows? Such a contrast. Maybe it's so we can look at where we still have work to do.

I'm so sorry to hear that you and M still don't get along. My brother and I only talk for a few minutes once every few years. We love each other, but we have very different ways of dealing with our childhood. He likes to drown his memories. He seems to have Stockholm syndrome - he defends the abusers even when they go to prison for what they've done. We can't talk about it much either, but I realized when I left California and knew I may never see him again that it meant more to me than I ever realized just to know that someone else on this planet knows what my childhood was like. Even though we hardly ever saw each other when we lived close, he was the hardest person to leave.

I did get to see him for a few hours last year. We both cried a lot and didn't want to leave each other...and yet nothing really changes. It's sad.

D'Arcy said...

Yeah, fog...funny how that always creeps into our real lives. I just got off the plane for NYC. There I was the NYC version of myself, which is just a little different from the SLC version of me.

Real life. Hmmm. I get scared by it. But recently I have really been trying to push the fear aside and let the here and now (not what may or may NOT happen on some future date) dictate how I see my current reality,

Good luck Sugar. You've got a lot on your plate, but you've also got a lot of people pulling for you and standing strong behind you!

Sugar said...

SHANI!!! OMG! I LUV YOU GIRL! It's so nice to hear your words since you are one of the ones that has known me since way back... I love what you wrote under Anger. It's true, no wallowing, and thanks for letting me know that you weren't trying to "project" your ideas on to me. You are a good safe friend. I do miss you. Wish so much that I could fly you out here for the reunion. Maybe I'll have to sell everything, buy a motorhome, and just drive from Blog Buddy to Blog Buddy... I'll start off at D'Arcy's place in SLC!

BIG D: It is hard to wonder what might have been. I do that every time I leave The City. I still think there's a home for me there... just not right now. And BTW, you need to get on Twitter. Not for you... for the rest of us that miss you while you're off the blogs! ;)

Shani said...

Yeah, it's funny about growing up together. I keep remembering the times we'd run away together. We'd get as far as Simms Park (only across the street, lmao) and think better of it.

I'm sure there were moments I only survived because you understood. You were the only person who made me feel like I wasn't crazy, and that it wasn't my fault, the things that went on. You touched a place in my heart that no one else even knew existed.

You always tried so hard to be good to get attention and know you were loved, and I always tried so hard to be bad to get attention to know I was loved (sometimes things just don't work out no matter how hard we try), and yet somehow we were so much alike, so tender hearted...we were even both 'the girl with the beautiful eyes'. I think what people always saw in our eyes went way beyond color or anything that most people would understand. We were both grown ups as children, responsible for the world.

No problem, I'm learning to be a little kid now! :) It's much more fun this way.

I do love you so!

Sugar said...

'kay... tears in my eyes as I giggle about the fact that you were the "bad girl" and I was the "good girl" and I was the one that got pregnant. hahaha!

Yes, kind readers, I was a pregnant teenager. Yikes. I was LEGAL... but still a teen...

Shani said...

Well, when being good didn't work...You know, you've got to live a little, right? ;) We had to find out if there was love on the other side.

Of course, I knew your good girl persona only went so far! hahahaha And of course you knew my bad girl thing was a crock too. I was the most guilt ridden bad girl ever, and I hardly even did anything, except being completely self-destructive. I was such a poser!!!

D'Arcy said...

alright girlfriend!! I updated my blog just for you!

Marfa said...

Hi: I'm one of the lurkers that reads your blog on a regular basis. I have you in my list of Fab (fabulous) Blogs. I just wanted to tell you that you should hold on to the feeling of fun that you had during the trip/party. Stuff like broken items shouldn't rob you of your happiness. As for your hubby, gosh I wouldn't try to give you advise there, since I don't you. But from life experience I can say that for most people, just letting the chips fall where they may and being led by their brain before the heart usually helps with stuff like that.

smiles4u said...

Real life can be very hard...trying to figure out things when you feel like your in a fog is hard...accepting things that have happened and living with how those things make you feel is hard, deciding weather things can be fixed or not and then coming to the acceptance of things that cannot be changed is hard....so yeah the reality of our lives can sometimes be hard to bear...and sometimes all we can do about this hardness is sit and breathe and wait...that can be even harder.

It's good that you have this place to write and be heard. I am glad that I found my way to this place...your blog...the things you write about I can relate so damn well to and somehow it makes me feel less alone and less crazy. I am sorry that you have these things in your life but I'm glad that your learning through them.

Ann said...

What a heavy, heavy week that must've been for you - the overwhelming nature of Blogher combined with all of the undercurrents with your sister. I imagine there is such a shared history there and so many things unsaid. For some reason, I imagine that you've explored it and tried to heal it, or at least find places for it - while she is bottled up like a bomb. We may have similar sisters, except mine is so bottled - she doesn't even make jabs - she's just bottled, sadly.

Sounds like you need to release a BIG ball of stuff.