Saturday, May 31, 2008

Defining Moments

It's hard not to be defined by the situations in your life. What you are going through, including the work that you do, is who you are to the outside world. People that know me, however, have a tough time describing me. I'm a bit of a moving target to them. I think that quality intrigues some and repels others. I used to worry about the ones that I was repelling.

Can you believe that?

All that time and energy spent on wanting to be acceptable to those people... the ones that wanted to use one or two words to define me, or anyone for that matter. I was not perfect enough for them. And so I made it my job to constantly manage my thoughts and actions depending on who I was in front of. I had friends that I could get drunk and fall down with. I had friends that I had to sit properly in front of. I had friends who knew that I had spent the better part of a night in a holding cell in Orange County. And then I had friends that only knew that I was a well-dressed pilot's wife who always had every hair in place. Those two worlds had to be kept completely separate. All the time. I even had names for myself for each of those groups. That's where Sugar came from. I liked Sugar. But the people that were repelled by that didn't. So I became "Sugar Free" in order to be liked by those that I wanted to be like. Even though the whole time, I was thinking, boy do I miss my Sugar Friends.

Is it any wonder I eventually cracked?

All of the moments that lead up to today are who I am. All of your moments are who YOU are. Embrace them! The good... the bad... and the f'ugly. Now... without going into denial, I want you to bless the bad and the f'ugly for all that it taught you and all that you learned. I want you to look at it like you looked at a dead goldfish floating to the top. Scoop out those times and flush them away. Now remember this as you are watching it swirl down and out of your life... it never didn't happen. It DID happen. But you don't have to keep it around stinking up the tank. You can think back on it and remind yourself to change your reckless behaviors. But you don't have to beat yourself up about it forever. We are all human and we all fall short.

Including the people that wish to confine us to a one or two word definition.



D'Arcy said...

Amen Sister!!! I know what you mean, those groups that define it crazy that even your family, though you love them, can be one of those groups. My family had the rebellious son, the flirtatious and outgoing daughter, the indentity crisis baby of the family, and then me--I was always the intelligent, perfect grades, never did wrong one...the pressure of that! It created such a perfectionist attitude in me that I developed an eating disorder and about cracked just in High School alone. Thank goodness for time, for growth, for love of those who don't define, for understanding, for mistakes, for dreams, for quiet moments when you realize that every part of you is just that---you!

I admire you so much Sugar!

Gustav said...

Dear Sugar

There is so much acting going on in the world that I wonder if anyone even notices?

I cannot stand early morning talk show hosts in Australia. They are all faking smiles and making stupid jokes and acting pathetic at 6am in the morning.

Being true to ourselves and being us sounds easy, but is difficult. However the first step is what you have done in your post, acknowledge that you have been acting. Now its time to be you, be sweet, be sugar.

HappyWifeHappyLife said...

Ah yes..... "approval addiction".... I'm quite familiar with that.

When I quit worrying so much what everyone thought, I wound up really pissing off quite a few folks and losing some (so-called) friends, but hey, really, you HAVE to be true to YOU. That is the only peace and happiness you will find, when you become the YOU that God created you to be.

Looking forward to reading more of your blog! :-)

Sugar said...

D'arcy: I swear I am going to drive up to Utah to meet you!

Gustav: Oh those bobble-heads in the morning. I suppose they can be touchstones, reminding us what "phony" looks like and avoiding it at all cost.

Happy Wife: yes, approval is the "addiction" that I am recovering from, as well as the "perfect" life I had been outwardly living until the end of last year. It's hard to admit but it was an easy trap to fall into.

D'Arcy said...

Sugar! I will meet you halfway...unless that makes it Vegas (ugh!). Seriously thought, this little group of bloggers that I have latched onto lately has become so important to me. Thanks for sharing yourself with all of us!

Jasmine said...

Holding cell?! Nice...

So your little baby's going to be 20 in a few days. Aren't you excited?!

Sugar said...

Sugar's little girl just found out about the holding cell... oh well.. world's colliding and I'm okay. ;)

Yes, Jasmine, Mommy was driving on a suspended license on her way to work. Grandma and Grandpa got me out. On the way out, they said I would have been out hours earlier but they were getting pissed at Grandma's attitude. I promise, if I ever have to bail you out, I'll be nice to the guards.