Small

Small (adverb): softly; in a low voice; without strength or force; weakly; into little pieces

Sometimes, I feel small and scared. Like I'm vulnerable to any harm that might come my way. I become insecure in my insignificance. As though I have no protection against the world. I think of my babies... the moment I first held them... knowing that it was my responsibility to take care of them and keep them from harm. It was an awesome responsibility. One that I wasn't always successful at. One that, in my brokenness and anger, I screwed up more than I care to admit.

And I wonder if I deserve to feel anything but small...

Sometimes when I sit on the beach, I'm aware of my insignificant role in the world. I'm dwarfed by the horizon layed out in front of me, so vast that my vision bends at the corners. On the edge of the world, I am still very aware that I am loved. And I try so hard not to project my human frailties and mistakes on the God of the Universe. Instead, I try to let the horizon comfort me. The waves always sound like the hearty laughter of a proud father. The sun always feels like a tender kiss on my forehead. In that place, where I am so small, I feel so wonderfully significant.

I feel like a precious daughter.

I don't know that I've ever been so concerned about the world in my entire life. I don't know that I've ever felt this vulnerable before. I don't know that I have ever been at a place where I can't choose a leader. When I didn't know that everything would be okay. And as scary as that is to me, I realize that I should never put so much trust in one fallible man. There is more... and we are more... and life is more... and God is so big...

And I am small... and vulnerable... and still precious.

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