Defining Moments

It's hard not to be defined by the situations in your life. What you are going through, including the work that you do, is who you are to the outside world. People that know me, however, have a tough time describing me. I'm a bit of a moving target to them. I think that quality intrigues some and repels others. I used to worry about the ones that I was repelling.

Can you believe that?

All that time and energy spent on wanting to be acceptable to those people... the ones that wanted to use one or two words to define me, or anyone for that matter. I was not perfect enough for them. And so I made it my job to constantly manage my thoughts and actions depending on who I was in front of. I had friends that I could get drunk and fall down with. I had friends that I had to sit properly in front of. I had friends who knew that I had spent the better part of a night in a holding cell in Orange County. And then I had friends that only knew that I was a well-dressed pilot's wife who always had every hair in place. Those two worlds had to be kept completely separate. All the time. I even had names for myself for each of those groups. That's where Sugar came from. I liked Sugar. But the people that were repelled by that didn't. So I became "Sugar Free" in order to be liked by those that I wanted to be like. Even though the whole time, I was thinking, boy do I miss my Sugar Friends.

Is it any wonder I eventually cracked?

All of the moments that lead up to today are who I am. All of your moments are who YOU are. Embrace them! The good... the bad... and the f'ugly. Now... without going into denial, I want you to bless the bad and the f'ugly for all that it taught you and all that you learned. I want you to look at it like you looked at a dead goldfish floating to the top. Scoop out those times and flush them away. Now remember this as you are watching it swirl down and out of your life... it never didn't happen. It DID happen. But you don't have to keep it around stinking up the tank. You can think back on it and remind yourself to change your reckless behaviors. But you don't have to beat yourself up about it forever. We are all human and we all fall short.

Including the people that wish to confine us to a one or two word definition.

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